That title seems a bit harsh, doesn’t it? If you’re reading this and feel that sensation in your nostrils that means you are, indeed, about to release an impressive amount of snot onto the computer screen, don’t.

Stop.

It’s not too late.

Say “pineapple.” (It works, don’t doubt me!)

Did you stop sneezing? Okay, good.

If you did sneeze, just lie to me and say you didn’t. It’s better that way.

If you haven’t surmised from the title of this blog post, I hate sneezes. I hate when I sneeze, I hate when other people sneeze, and I hate when my cat sneezes. (Mainly because his sneezes are so rare that when he does sneeze, I think he’s dying.)

After talking to many of my comrades, I’m realizing I am the ONLY ONE who finds sneezes to be an abominable act.

One or two sneezes are okay. Anything more than that though really starts to grate on me. Especially because I do the polite thing and say “bless you” whenever someone sneezes. Seriously, if you’re sneezing 5 times, you’re being greedy– my blessings are NOT Halloween candy, I can’t just keep handing them out like they’re deformed Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup pumpkins!!! At the same time, I can’t NOT bless someone who sneezes that many times because I don’t want to be rude.

I’m caught between a rock and an annoying place.

The other part of this dilemma is that I don’t want to be annoyed by sneezes. Sneezing is a natural, bodily function, and people can’t help it (or CAN THEY?). Especially my poor friends who are subjected to two really nice “bless you” sentiments, and then treated to a very hostile look when they exceed the 2-sneeze maximum. And yet, even though I don’t want to have ill-feelings toward my friends, I can’t help but seize up with anxiety when the sneezers just keep… sneezing.

The thought alone is making it difficult for me to continue blogging about this. But I’ll persevere…for you.

Don’t even get me started on people who try to make their sneezes sound cute. There’s nothing cute about trying to sneeze daintily while projecting mucus out of your nasal cavities. Just sneeze, move on, and we’ll pretend it didn’t happen.

Before you think I’m a hypocrite, again, I hate my own sneezes, too. That feeling of struggling to catch your breath after a sneezing fit? Hate it, I actually LIKE breathing. Or when you feel like you might die while driving because you have to sneeze and you have to close your eyes while doing so…

…Sneezing, I’ve decided, is treacherous.

To avoid my aversion to sneezes, I tend to hold them in. This startles people because they don’t exactly know what I’m doing. They see me tense, put my hand to my nose, and then make no sound. Typing this out now makes me realize I probably look a little crazy while doing this, but it’s worth the temporary insanity if it means I don’t spray my germs everywhere. That and, when I do sneeze, my sneezes sound so strange that I’m actually doing the general public (and my dignity) a favor by bottling them up inside (like my feelings).

Then there’s the “if you don’t let your sneezes out, you’ll break a rib or throw out your back,” argument. I’ve always been a risk taker though so I’ll take my chances. If holding in my sneezes is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

I hope this post hasn’t destroyed any friendships. If I’ve offended you… remember, it’s not you and it’s not me…

…it’s our sneezes. As frustrated as I get, I will be there to wave the white tissue as a peace offering between us. #AlwaysAndForever #DontTestMe

Here’s to trying to find sneeze acceptance and to not breaking a rib in the process.

-e