I Could Meditate or I Could…Not.

It’s already mid-February, which means in Minnesota/Wisconsin it’s still cold AF. It also means we are all on our way to being our own heroes and finally sticking with and accomplishing our New Year’s Resolutions, right?

RIGHT?

One of the things I did on New Year’s Eve (because it was too cold to actually think about putting on a dress and going out) was write out some of my goals for 2018. Some of them were obvious (if you know me at all): Write more, get physically healthier, read more books, pet more cats, etc.

These of course are pretty general, but I also mapped out a plan so I knew what “Write more” (four days/week), “read more” (two books/month), and “get physically healthier” (portion control, only eat out twice a week, work out one extra day/week, etc.) looked like. For the most part, I’m surprisingly holding myself to these resolutions. #HumbleBrag #Blessed

Before all three of you readers think I’m #perfect, there’s one resolution I haven’t kept up with, and honestly, I feel terrible about it.

I tend to get stressed out/anxious pretty easily, and so one of my other goals was to work on improving my overall mental health. Reading more books and petting more cats certainly helps with that, but one of the other components to this goal is meditation.

Like everyone else, I started out with good intentions. I downloaded the HeadSpace app onto my phone, and for the two days before New Year’s Eve, I attempted meditation. And I liked it, even though the Australian guy narrating the mediation process kind of annoyed me.

But then the New Year came, and I went back to work after a week off, and suddenly the apps suggestion that I meditate in the mornings seemed like the most daunting task in the entire world. Was I supposed to go meditate in a conference room somewhere? No.

So I told myself that I would just meditate when I got home from work or before bed or at a different time. Which wasn’t ideal because I’m not stressed before going to bed because I usually watch a few episodes of Parks and Rec and you don’t get stressed watching Parks and Rec.

Next idea – meditate early in the morning. Which also doesn’t work because I already get up early to try and get some writing in to meet Resolution #1, and I am not getting up any earlier. Maybe I should just revert back to my college days and not sleep?

So, seeing as I cannot find the perfect time to meditate, I therefore have not been… meditating. You might think that sounds bad. But that’s not even the worst part.

When I downloaded HeadSpace, I’d get push notifications sent to my phone, reminding me that I needed to meditate. These notifications (which, admittedly, I had asked for) were meant to keep me on track to meet my goal: to meditate at least three days a week to keep the stress and anxiety at bay. Instead, these notifications encouraging me to meditate were causing stress and anxiety.

When my phone buzzes at my desk at exactly 10 AM, this sense of dread washes over me. I swipe the notification away from my screen, ignoring my sweaty palms and the guilt I feel.

This is bad enough, but readers, I hate to say that this whole situation gets worse.

Sometime last week, I noticed that the notifications stopped. They weren’t early, they were delayed, they simply stopped showing up.

HeadSpace had given up on me.

Do you know what it feels like to have a meditation app give up on you? Let me tell you… it’s NOT a good feeling. If I ever needed to meditate, this would be the time, and yet I still can’t (or won’t?) carve out the time to do so. It’s like HeadSpace is saying “I get it, bitch, you don’t have time for me, and frankly I don’t have time for you.”

Pretty cruel… but I can also respect that kind of honesty.

It also seemed like the app was also saying “try again in 2019,” which I also think is a fair thing to say to me, because at this point, I think 2018 is already too close to being over for me to truly do anything about it now.

So here’s to 2019, the year of meditation (maybe) and less judgmental apps (definitely).

What New Year’s resolutions have you failed at keeping this year? (You can also share your successes, I guess, but are you really going to shame a girl on her own blog?)

-e

14 thoughts on “I Could Meditate or I Could…Not.

  1. I have failed at thinking about new year’s resolution, so you are already one step ahead hahahha
    I think you should think more about the positive side, you have accomplished the other resolutions, which if you think about it, it’s a pretty big deal. Most people don’t accomplish any of their resolutions, you are only missing one of them. So, be proud of yourself 😀
    And maybe you could try to meditate during lunch break. Idk how much time you have during lunch break hahaha
    Personally, I have thought about many things to do after I graduate (maybe you could call it a graduation resolution?), so I finally graduated, and the only thing I’m doing is rewatching the same old videos on youtube and sleeping a lot hahaha

  2. I have also failed at my meditation resolution! I downloaded not 1 but 2 apps – thinking at least 1 of them would surely pull me in… I haven’t fully given up but I’m not sure how it is going to happen if it hasn’t already!

  3. Omg! This really spoke to me! You cut across demographics with this one! Love it! Nicely done, my friend. You connected with this reader!

  4. Be kind to yourself, there’s a reason it’s called PRACTICING meditation! (though you might just try sitting still and concentrating on your heartbeat instead of using an app) Still-to have stuck with the other resolutions is worth celebrating!

  5. I tell my clients to start out with really short amounts of time for meditating, like 5 minutes, and work their way up. Maybe that would help? But, I also say if you don’t enjoy it don’t do it!

    • That’s a great idea! I think my biggest hang up with meditating is that I keep thinking I should be doing something else other than just sitting still… but the whole point of meditating IS to sit still and breathe, so that’s something I need to get over. 🙂

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