It’s already mid-February, which means in Minnesota/Wisconsin it’s still cold AF. It also means we are all on our way to being our own heroes and finally sticking with and accomplishing our New Year’s Resolutions, right?

RIGHT?

One of the things I did on New Year’s Eve (because it was too cold to actually think about putting on a dress and going out) was write out some of my goals for 2018. Some of them were obvious (if you know me at all): Write more, get physically healthier, read more books, pet more cats, etc.

These of course are pretty general, but I also mapped out a plan so I knew what “Write more” (four days/week), “read more” (two books/month), and “get physically healthier” (portion control, only eat out twice a week, work out one extra day/week, etc.) looked like. For the most part, I’m surprisingly holding myself to these resolutions. #HumbleBrag #Blessed

Before all three of you readers think I’m #perfect, there’s one resolution I haven’t kept up with, and honestly, I feel terrible about it.

I tend to get stressed out/anxious pretty easily, and so one of my other goals was to work on improving my overall mental health. Reading more books and petting more cats certainly helps with that, but one of the other components to this goal is meditation.

Like everyone else, I started out with good intentions. I downloaded the HeadSpace app onto my phone, and for the two days before New Year’s Eve, I attempted meditation. And I liked it, even though the Australian guy narrating the mediation process kind of annoyed me.

But then the New Year came, and I went back to work after a week off, and suddenly the apps suggestion that I meditate in the mornings seemed like the most daunting task in the entire world. Was I supposed to go meditate in a conference room somewhere? No.

So I told myself that I would just meditate when I got home from work or before bed or at a different time. Which wasn’t ideal because I’m not stressed before going to bed because I usually watch a few episodes of Parks and Rec and you don’t get stressed watching Parks and Rec.

Next idea – meditate early in the morning. Which also doesn’t work because I already get up early to try and get some writing in to meet Resolution #1, and I am not getting up any earlier. Maybe I should just revert back to my college days and not sleep?

So, seeing as I cannot find the perfect time to meditate, I therefore have not been… meditating. You might think that sounds bad. But that’s not even the worst part.

When I downloaded HeadSpace, I’d get push notifications sent to my phone, reminding me that I needed to meditate. These notifications (which, admittedly, I had asked for) were meant to keep me on track to meet my goal: to meditate at least three days a week to keep the stress and anxiety at bay. Instead, these notifications encouraging me to meditate were causing stress and anxiety.

When my phone buzzes at my desk at exactly 10 AM, this sense of dread washes over me. I swipe the notification away from my screen, ignoring my sweaty palms and the guilt I feel.

This is bad enough, but readers, I hate to say that this whole situation gets worse.

Sometime last week, I noticed that the notifications stopped. They weren’t early, they were delayed, they simply stopped showing up.

HeadSpace had given up on me.

Do you know what it feels like to have a meditation app give up on you? Let me tell you… it’s NOT a good feeling. If I ever needed to meditate, this would be the time, and yet I still can’t (or won’t?) carve out the time to do so. It’s like HeadSpace is saying “I get it, bitch, you don’t have time for me, and frankly I don’t have time for you.”

Pretty cruel… but I can also respect that kind of honesty.

It also seemed like the app was also saying “try again in 2019,” which I also think is a fair thing to say to me, because at this point, I think 2018 is already too close to being over for me to truly do anything about it now.

So here’s to 2019, the year of meditation (maybe) and less judgmental apps (definitely).

What New Year’s resolutions have you failed at keeping this year? (You can also share your successes, I guess, but are you really going to shame a girl on her own blog?)

-e