Memoir

If you haven’t heard, memoirs are kind of in right now, and while I like to write, you probably won’t catch me writing one.

This isn’t out of disrespect for the genre; in fact, I won’t try my hand at a memoir because I have too much respect for it. Honestly, what would I possibly write about? I didn’t have a troubled childhood, and the only thing I really need to overcome is sleep-deprivation because Murphy has been a terror at 3 AM for the past two weeks. As difficult as this situation is, there’s no need for me to take a 3-month long hike to sort that out. 

However, I spend a lot of time brainstorming what the titles of my memoir could be if I were to write one. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  1. A Hazard to Humanity: the story of a Girl and her Inability to Navigate the World on Two Wheels
    • I always fall off bikes and end up seriously hurting myself. So I haven’t actually been on a bike in probably six years. Who thinks this topic would just FLY OFF the shelves? #NoOne
  2. One Sock Short of a Pair: Mismatched Socks in a Mismatched Life
    • This one goes out to my Mom because she’s always upset about my mismatched socks. Alternate title could be: One Sock Short of a Pair: Going Through This Life Without a Mate, but I thought that sounded depressing AF, so no.
  3. The Underdog: a Skee-ball Champion Living in a Skee-ball Championship-less World
    • About my struggle to live in a world that doesn’t allow me to live up to my full potential.
  4. A Girl, a Skeeball Game and a Secret
    • I don’t know what my secret is yet, I’m still trying to figure that out.
  5. Headgear: Story About a Girl, a Chin-cup, and a Journey Toward a Smaller Jaw
    • This will be based on my traumatic, orthodontia-filled years when I had to wear a chin cup to bed, and I’d wake up every morning with it hurled across the room. It would also feature me, with my expansion appliance that hung out on the roof of my mouth and gave me a sexy, Madonna-like gap that was very UNSEXY in middle school. (See appendix for my 7th Grade Year Book picture) (JK I BURNED ALL THE EVIDENCE). Shout out to my orthodontist who fixed my smile, but broke my spirit.
  6. 5 Cats Short of being a Cat Lady: Trying to Find the Life I was Meant to Live
    • Self-explanatory
  7. My Cat Hates me, What do I do? And My Cat Loves me Now
    • This will be a two-part memoir about me overcoming obstacles and making Murphy accept me as his cat mom.
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  8. The Milk Went Bad Again: The Erin Stevens Story 
  9. I Forgot my Phone Charger Again: The Erin Stevens Story 
  10. Alone, Rejected and Collecting Dust: The Erin Stevens Story

    • This one was inspired when some of my coworkers went to Culvers without me two weeks ago. We laugh about it now, but I think I’m still haunted by it.
  11. Murphy and Me
    • Like Marley and Me, but more about how Murphy sits on top of the refrigerator and judges me while I eat. AKA it won’t be sad AF, but I’ll probably still cry while writing it.
  12. I Know What You Did to my Dog Last Summer
    • This one would be about my childhood German Shepard that ran over and attacked our former neighbor’s Collie. After that, my parents told me the dog was going away to become a police dog. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I realized this was a euphemism. The memoir will take an uplifting turn, though, because this is when my family got its first cat, and it sparked my lifelong obsession with animals that refuse to love me.
  13. Violins & Basketball
    • This will be like the movie Love and Basketball, except it’ll be about me giving up the violin in middle school in order to have a more lucrative basketball career. The story ends with me regretting this choice, but I continue to persevere and look for redemption in my everyday life. So it’s actually not like Love and Basketball at all, but it DOES have the word basketball in the title which I think is really moving.

So… yeah, let me know in the comments which memoir you think I should write first. If you think all of these are awful, please lie to me anyway. I’m turning 25 next weekend, and I have about a million things propelling into a quarter-life crisis and this doesn’t need to be added to the list.

-e

2 thoughts on “Memoir

  1. The titles are amazing, you should definitely write one!
    My favorites are:
    2- “One Sock Short of a Pair: Mismatched Socks in a Mismatched Life” or the alternate title “One Sock Short of a Pair: Going Through This Life Without a Mate” both sounds great (and it would be really surprising if the whole story was just about having a mismatched pair of socks instead of a metaphor for life haha)

    “3- The Underdog: a Skee-ball Champion Living in a Skee-ball Championship-less World” and “11 -Murphy and Me” tie in second place! I always think that maybe I am really good at something that still don’t exist. I bet many of your other readers will identify with your struggle being a skee-ball champion living in a skee-ball championship-less world!
    I am looking forward to all of them!

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