Readers, I’ve committed an injustice. Two, in fact. If you’ve read the title of my blog (“Written with Flair,” just in case ya forgot) then you might have noticed what the intent of my blog is: “Thoughts & Sass, Commentary & Cats.”

I’ve provided more than enough sass woven into my thoughts and commentary on different situations. The question begs to be asked, though… WHERE ARE THE CATS?

The other injustice here is that yesterday was World Cat Day. I MISSED MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY. What’s worse, I forgot to pay homage to my favorite orange menace, the one

and only Oliver “Ollie” Stevens.So today I’m going to right these wrongs and dedicate an entire post to the loudest cat in the history of cats.

Since I’ve had the pleasure of being startled awake in the mornings by this guy for the past 7 years, here are 9 things you should know about this freak show that I proudly (?) call mine.

1.) He’s loud. Which is actually putting it mildly. His nickname is Yowely or Squawley because he YOWELS when he can’t find someone in the house. If the humans (AKA his slaves) are congregating in the family room (first floor), then naturally Ollie is sitting at the top of the stairs, calling out for someone to find him. As if he can’t hear us all downstairs (which he should, because the Stevens clan is loud, too. I mean have you met me?).

2.) He detests closed doors and becomes very vocal when they’re closed. See bullet #1. When I’m gettin’ my beauty sleep (which may or may not be working, you decide!), I’ll hear Ollie sit down outside my door (I LITERALLY hear his butt thump against the floor. Even his SITTING is LOUD) and I know in my sad heart my peaceful slumber is over. His meow here sounds like he’s actually saying, “hello?” but he’s a cat, so it sounds more like “Haro? Haroooo?” and it just gets whinier and more unfortunate from there. But hey, at least I’m never late for a 7 AM appointment, right? (because I have SO many of those….)

3.) He’s a certified yoga instructor, but he doesn’t believe in cardio. Treadmills are for sunbathing people, not sweating. His only form of exercise comes from walking up and down the stairs to the basement to eat and then excuse himself after (cough, litter box, cough), or when he suddenly becomes possessed and runs through the house like a killer penguin is waddling after him. Then my Mom goes “Ollie, knock it off!” like he’s her 4th child. Because he basically is.

4.) He doesn’t care if you have a laptop on your lap and you’re in the middle of writing a story– laps are his for the taking. He pushes himself onto the lap of his choosing, regardless of what’s on it (books, laptops, elephants, etc.). You make room for him or else… #entitledbrat

5.) He enters a comatose state when sitting in front of the fireplace. Or the sun. In front of the fire or sun is when you’ll find Ollie in prime yoga-form.

6.) He fears storms like I fear the spider that’s taken up residence behind my car’s side mirror (seriously, the size of this spider web would be impressive if it wasn’t so terrifying). You’ll find bunched-up, pupil-dilated, Ollie bracing himself for a two-minute (or twenty-minute, whatever) thunderstorm on the top basement stair behind the basement door. He’ll be there before the storm, during the storm, and even after for a good half-hour even if the sun’s out. You gotta hand it to him– when there’s a storm, he doesn’t mess around.

7.) He maintains a casual love affair with the printer. Anytime one of the humans of the house prints something, Ollie goes galloping to the printer, and he’ll sit there, fascinated as it makes weird noises and spits out paper. He’ll stay there for about 15 minutes after it’s done printing, just hoping for another interaction.

8.) The cat loves getting stuck in paper bags. Nuff said.

9.) I’ve taken so many pictures of him that he’s basically at model status. He just ASSUMES a camera is following him around, so he’s photogenic all of the time. I’ve also taken an embarrassing IMPRESSIVE amount of selfies with him, and so now he thinks selfies are a bit passé. He’s mastered the, “Oh, you’re taking another picture of me? This is so boring, human,” expression, staring off out the window after a rogue rabbit or deranged robin. He loves it, though. I know it.  After all, if he can wake me up on a daily basis he better be camera ready.

So Ollie, I hope you enjoyed your day. Most of it was spent stalking me and jumping out at me from behind dark corners, so I’m sure you did. Everyone else, I hope you had a great World Cat Day (or if you’re a dog person, I hope you didn’t? Just a nice Friday I guess). Let me know of any good cat/dog/iguana stories… I’m a sucker for pet shenanigans 🙂

-e